


here we are after

by watermealong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Anxiety, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 01:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17909492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watermealong/pseuds/watermealong
Summary: Jeno has scars all over his body from wars he rarely won. Jaemin is there to love them all.





	here we are after

**Author's Note:**

> -Highly inspired by Sam Smith's Scars and coincidentally the same title, Scars by I Am They.
> 
> -Mentioned of graphic depictions of violence and panic attacks, also a minor reference to suicide, so please, please, please, proceed with cautions.
> 
> -not a native english speaker TT so please excuse my grammar errors and everything bad about this fic TT

Na Jaemin circled his arms around his boyfriend’s hips, chin resting on warm shoulders and eyes closed to enjoy the moment.

 

If he could crystalize everything within his mind, if he could fly to the nearest cliff and shout at the whole wide world how he wanted this exact moment to last forever, he would.

 

“What are you doing, baby?”

 

Jaemin’s fingers formed comforting circles on his boyfriend’s tummy, which only forced out a fit of giggle from the other. “I’m just thinking and looking outside, nothing special. Are you sure you are really awake now, sleepyhead?”

 

Jaemin hummed happily when Jeno began to settle within his touch. “Not a hundred percent, but i’m getting there,” he purred, snuggling closer to the crook of the other’s neck. “What do you want for breakfast?”

 

“You sure you want to cook?” Jeno placed his hands on top of Jaemin’s, head lolled back to rest on his shoulder. “I don’t have to nag you to?”

 

Jaemin chuckled, giving a light peck on his neck. “Yes, aren’t you proud of me?”

 

“Very,” he said playfully, then breaking Jaemin’s hold to cupped his cheeks and kissed them fondly. “I love you,” he breathes, fingers ghosting over his skins. “And i’ll love you more if you cook my favorite soy sauce egg rice.”

 

Jaemin beamed happily as he reached a hand to rubbed Jeno’s hair lovingly, telling him to wash up first so they could enjoy breakfast later. They separated with a kiss to Jaemin’s forehead as he began to jog at the tiny kitchen space.

 

Jaemin yawned a couple of times. He never was a morning person, but since he started dating Jeno and lived with him, he began to adapt to the other’s habits eventually. Their relationship only started for six months now, even so, Jaemin felt like he already lived a lifetime learning to love him.

 

Jeno was a lovable person. He was strong and dependable, his heart was kind and his hugs were warm. Jaemin never felt safer than when he was wrapped inside his strong arms, the same hands that had bear pain, that still learning to heal but never looked weak in Jaemin’s eyes.

 

Nightmare had become a constant reality for Jeno, and Lords knew how shattered Jaemin felt whenever his lover had screamed for the agony to go away, how Jeno had begged whoever near him to put an end of his suffering.

 

Jaemin realized he couldn’t change the past, _h_ _ell,_ if he had met Jeno earlier, he would have put that bastard in jail sooner.

 

It was clear at the fact that he couldn’t changed how Jeno's life was before this. But he still tried to learn from each of his scars, pained by how they weren’t supposed to be there in his skin where only love should graze.

 

When he was done preparing breakfast, Jaemin called for Jeno.

 

He wasn’t answering.

 

“Jeno-ya?” Jaemin called again, but still no answer.

 

The living room was empty and the shower had stopped running.

 

A glimpse of the other breaking down and crying in the past slipped inside his mind and Jaemin was quick on his feet, running to the bathroom.

 

Jaemin knocked on the bathroom door twice while still calling for his lover's name, and when there still wasn’t an answer, he opened the door to an empty space. His breath began to quicken, brows knitted and heart pounded rapidly because of worry.

 

Jaemin then tried and entered their shared bedroom, he let out a breath he was holding, thanking the gods that Jeno was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to him. He was shirtless and Jaemin began to panic again when he realized that the other was shaking, though not a single cries escaped his mouth.

 

Jaemin almost ran to where he sat, kneeling at the foot of the bed to watch his boyfriend cry. His hands were trembling, eyes filled with tears and he was constantly hurting his fingers until the soft skins around them bled.

 

Jaemin held both of them slowly, locking them together with his own and started to whispered calming words to him.

 

He stared at Jeno, who finally acknowledged that he was inside the room. “What’s wrong, love? Why are you hurting your beautiful hands like this?” Jaemin said patiently, kissing his knuckles. “Are you having a bad dream again?”

 

Jeno’s chest was heaving rapidly like he ran a marathon, he hadn’t stopped crying and Jaemin’s heart was breaking seeing him in pain like this. He knew it would never be easier for Jeno every time it happened. Manageable, maybe, but surely never easier.

 

“I--it was my body, i--i was--” Jeno was out of breath, and Jaemin locked his eyes to him, waiting for him to continue and share what he was feeling. Jeno swallowed a lump in his throat before speaking. “I was looking at myself in the mirror and i--” He started to cry again. “I hate it. I hate it so much. Everything. Everything from my hair to my toe. I hate it, Nana, I--”

 

Jaemin finally stood up, holding him in an embrace to let him cry freely. “You are fine now. Can you breathe for me, baby? In and out, in and out, remember?” He continued to guide him until Jeno could breathe a little easier, resting his cheek on Jaemin’s shoulder as he ran his palms across his back in a soothing motion.  

 

It took a few minutes before Jeno could be calm again, until he could sort out his breath and was no longer feeling like all the air had knocked his chest out. It took a little while and Jaemin was never letting go of him, always holding and softly whispering in his ear.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jeno whispered. His voice was hoarse. “I’m so, so sorry.”

 

Jaemin shushed him, now facing him up close. “You don’t have to apologize to me, mhm? I’m here and I will always be here to protect you,” he said as he looked down to Jeno’s body.

 

He was not skinny, there were toned lines from the time he spent at the gym. His skin was white and dreamy, only to have scars on several spots in his chest. Burnt cigarettes, mostly. They were covering his chest like dots, but far from stars. His arms had faint scars from harsh beatings and his back -- where an angel wing should have hugged -- was covered with red marks from whips.

 

Each of the scars was Jeno’s nightmare, and even after days of them being painted in his body, it will always haunt him like ghosts.

 

Jaemin swept his arms and planted soft kisses on his wrist where there used to be a cut there. “I love this,” he whispered, then continued to trail up and never missed a spot for him to admire. Jaemin moved to the top of Jeno’s chest where the juncture of his neck met with shoulder blade. “I could make love to this all day,” each spot always got praise, the rest was him chanting, “ _And this, and this, and this_.” He took a little longer to kiss the scar on his serratus, and never forgot to let Jeno know he would be there to remind him that he loved them.

 

Once he was done, he looked up, and Jeno had stopped crying. He gaped at him  and Jaemin’s heart burst in happiness when he spotted a smile in the corner of his lips. He reached a hand to hold Jeno’s palm, kissing them again. “If you hate them, then I will be here to love them all,” Jaemin closed his eyes, pressing his palm to his cheek. “They are all too lovely for me to not love them. Can I love them instead, Jeno?”

 

When Jaemin opened his eyes again, it was because Jeno had lifted him up to sit on his lap, eyes focused on each other like they could write the constellation in the sky with every second passed. Jeno blinked at him with tears in his eyes, with his broken soul that Jaemin willing to understand, and with adoration he needn’t have to say.

 

Jeno touched their foreheads together, and Jaemin watched him cry once again. “Thank you,” he chants. “Thank you for showing me how being loved is really like, thank you for being here with me and loving me, Na Jaemin. I don’t know how to repay you for what you have done for me. But I promised to learn how to love you like you did for me, how you had love my scars and bear them like they are your own. I know you shouldn’t love something that i hate, so i swear, with all the open doors to heavens, to learn and love them for you, all my scars and flaws, just for you.”

 

Jaemin circled his arms on Jeno’s neck, closing his eyes in a long battle for him to not cry himself. He nodded as Jeno held him closer by his hips, preventing him from falling.

 

Jeno had come a long way for him to acknowledge his past, to learn and move on from them. It wasn’t easy, never easy, but he had overcome each and every single one of them, whether he was winning or losing, he was still fighting for himself bravely. That was what made him the strongest in Jaemin’s eyes that he wished to stay with him until the end

 

“You are so strong, my dear,” Jaemin stated fondly, kissing his cheeks, his eyes, and finally his perfect nose. “I know you will get through it all. I’ll be here with you, so stay strong, okay?” He breathed the last time before capturing Jeno’s lips.

 

Kissing Jeno was always the easiest part, melting with him was always the hardest part his heart can take. He was a good kisser, and Jaemin can’t help but to always fall apart within his touch.

 

This time, it was Jeno’s turn to love him.

 

 

 

:::

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, thank you so much for reading! If you have any critics, please do let me know! <3


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